Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
cat food counts as protein by the way
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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