my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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