Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
