census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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