She bit a glass in half.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
