Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
