Taylor Swift is so right about you.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
