Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
