JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
