Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
