listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
