I want to walk on stilts...naked
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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