I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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