ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
