I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
