We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
