I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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