Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
