Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
