plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
