i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
