remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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