My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
