Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
