If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize