there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize