hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
