...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
