Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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