I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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