I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
