Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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