Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
