2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
