I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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