Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
we're making bets on your personal life
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
