please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
