im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He had one of those small greek statue penises
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
