better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
