Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
