i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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