my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Randomize