i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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