someone threw a dead crab at me
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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