the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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