Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
