I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
