I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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