Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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