someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
