her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
