Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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