yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I did not marry a roomba.
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