I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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