The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize