One girl and one boy is just not enough.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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