I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
